


ptsd nightmares are a ride

by mutaregenesis



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Post-War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:27:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25442371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mutaregenesis/pseuds/mutaregenesis
Summary: Zuko reaches for Sokka's hand but finds that he's too far away. They all are. Just barely.
Relationships: Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 326





	ptsd nightmares are a ride

**Author's Note:**

> sometimes, fictional characters are vehicles for coping

Zuko finds himself standing on the slope of an impossibly large, green hill underneath a single oak tree in peak spring bloom. Looking down, he sees an extravagant, open stage with the Fire lord's throne - Zuko's throne - to the back. The stage is surrounded by thousands of Fire nation citizens in a sea of red, gold, and black in the valley below against a field of wildflowers that span as far as he can see. The crowd must be a mile or more away, but even from here, he can hear the low roar of conversation and laughter. A group of children chase each other near the outskirts of the crowd. 

He remembers a similar scene to this as a child. It was a festival or... a celebration. He must have been too busy eating celebratory foods and desserts or chasing his friends to remember, he reasons. Zuko's gaze shifts to the stage, idly wondering who or what would warrant such an massive gathering. He settles down onto to the soft grass, his too-large white robes falling into a circle around him. His eyes close and lets out a deep breath, feeling the sun warm his face. A breeze blows gently through Zuko's loose hair, taking several orange, fan-shaped leaves in its path. 

He opens his eyes a moment later as the festival goers change their cadence, much louder now. He finds that he's standing at the edge of the crowd. Someone's approaching the stage. Beside him, his friends give that stage their undivided attention. Katara, Toph, Aang, and Sokka, all dressed in noble Fire nation attire. He smiles at them. Sokka always looks so handsome in red. Zuko reaches for Sokka's hand but finds that he's too far away. They all are. Just barely. 

Before he can move, the crowd explodes into cheers and applause. Zuko's eyes fall on the stage and... no. No, no, that's not right. It's Azula and his father dressed in perfect ceremonial robes reserved for executions. His stomach drops and his hands shake like leaves at his side. Azula is dragging a heavy chain pulled taut by something he can't see. Azula secures the chain to a spot in the floor, the figure behind her still obstructed. She and Father bow to each other and Father moves to take his place on his throne. Zuko looks around, desperate for a friendly face as panic quickly rises in his chest, heart pounding in his ears, but Team Avatar is nowhere near him. He can't see them. Were they ever there? 

The crowd has calmed somewhat, and Azula takes the opportunity to step aside and reveal what unfortunate soul is being dragged behind her. Zuko closes his eyes before he can see. Whoever it is, he's determined not to find out. He wants no part of this. The Fire nation citizens surrounding him excitedly jeer and hiss at the subject on stage. For a moment, he thinks it must be Aang. Who else would have an execution that warrants this large of a gathering? 

His eyes snap open, intending to look for any way he can help Aang, because _Spirits_ , this can't happen - but... he finds himself _on_ the stage. Azula is staring, and actually, truly smiling. Not her usual pompous smirk. She looks... absolutely joyed. Zuko instinctively moves his hands but they're tightly wrapped in thick cloth and chained. In the crowd, he searches for his friends - and he finds them, easily, alongside Uncle. They're in the very front of the crowd, directly in front of him. His friends faces reveal nothing - no contempt, no sorrow, no fear, no joy. But Uncle looks as dejected as he did in prison, dressed in the same white robes as Zuko. He notices that Uncle's hands are bound the same as his own.

His mouth opens to call out, _please, please help me, I'm so sorry_ , but no sound can escape his lips. Azula parades in a circle around the stage rousing the crowd and he can _feel_ his Father's proud gaze behind him, but not for Zuko. Never for Zuko. Azula stops with her back to him and calls something to the crowd. Zuko can't hear what she says. She turns to him, eyes burning with determination and pride. She points two fingers to the sky and seems to draw from Agni himself, fingertips sparking with energy. The crowd's cheering grows in tandem with the spooling ball of energy at her command. It's completely effortless. 

Zuko jerks in his bindings, trying to find some opportunity to fight back, _anything_. As soon as he so much as twitches, the ground beneath him shoots over his feet and digs into his legs and he realizes with terrifying clarity that it must have been Toph, or Aang. His entire body shakes against his will. There's no honor in this. There's no chance. There's no hope. Azula draws her hand back, briefly highlighting the apathetic faces of his friends. Her hand drops forward, shooting a stream of lightning directly at Zuko's heart. There's nothing else to do. He clenches his eyes shut and screams.

And then there's pressure wrapping under his arms and around his chest. His eyes snap open, wild and unfocused as he gasps for air and flings his arms to push at the pressure in a last ditch, desperate attempt to get free, but the pressure only increases. Zuko realizes belatedly that there's a voice in his ear. It's dark. There's no crowd, no Azula, no stage, no chains.

"Sweetheart, _please_ wake up." The voice says, louder now.

His chest is heaving with the effort of his erratic breathing. He can't tell if he's still dreaming, doesn't trust that this isn't some cruel joke perpetrated by his own mind. He shoves the source of the pressure away from him and scrambles backward, the image of an uncaring Sokka illuminated by his sister's lightning is fading fast but it's still burned into his memory. Zuko shakes his head and attempts to slow his breathing to better face whatever threat he's sure is coming. His eyes finally adjust and focus and he takes in his surroundings a second time and finds a much different scene. He's in his own bed in the palace, it's pitch dark save for dim, flickering lights under the door, and there's a still figure on the bed in front of him. He summons a small flame in his shaking palm and sees Sokka, sleepy-eyed in his night clothes at the end of his bed, his brow furrowed with concern.

_Oh._

The flame in his hand swells and flickers with his breath and he quickly deposits it in a nearby lamp, bathing the room in a dim orange light. His mind scrambles for words, still trying to come back to itself. Sokka slowly reaches for him. Zuko hesitates for a moment before gently holding the other man's calloused hand, stroking the back of it lightly with his thumb. There's several, quiet moments spent listening to his own shaky breathing before either of them speak.

"It was only a nightmare. You're safe." Sokka speaks, soft and reassuring. As routine as this has become for Sokka, he never sounds dispassionate or bothered in any way. 

Zuko lets out a shaky breath, face red to his ears. "I'm really sorry I shoved you." 

Sokka sighs and places his other hand around Zuko's and holds it gently in response. 

"It's okay, sweetheart. You were scared. Can I come closer?"

Zuko nods and Sokka frees his hands to slide next to Zuko at the head of the bed. Sokka hesitates, carefully watching for any sign of discomfort or resistance, before fitting himself against Zuko's side. Sokka rests his head on Zuko's shoulder and takes his hand in his own again, idly twirling his wedding band.

"I probably know the answer to this, but... do you want to talk about it?" Sokka asks after a beat of silence.

Zuko breathes deeply. He would usually push it down, but obviously that isn't working. "I... uh." He adjusts and lets his arm fall over into Sokka's space and rests his head on his. "It was an execution. For me. And I think Uncle was next."

Sokka nods, encouraging Zuko to continue. If he's surprised that Zuko's sharing, he doesn't show it. 

"Azula led it. Father was overseeing. He was so proud of her." He sighs. "Toph, Katara, Aang, and you were just... watching. I tried to fight back and someone used earth bending to keep me from moving."

"At least you know that wasn't me."

Zuko laughs through his nose. "Yeah, I guess so."

They're quiet for a few minutes. Zuko focuses on Sokka's breathing and tries to match it, but he still hasn't calmed down. He keeps seeing his sister's lightning crackling against the sky, or his father's eyes when he looks at Azula rather than him. He thought _maybe_ something would change after all these years, but his father has never been anything but hateful and proud, still demanding respect and blind loyalty even from his cell. Azula is still unwell. 

It feels like a knife is twisting deep in his chest. Sokka has such a good relationship with his sister that Zuko can't help but feel a pang of jealousy sometimes. What went wrong with he and Azula? Why do they have to hate each other? Why did he fail to help her when she needed him? Part of him wants so badly to keep this all to himself, but a bigger part of him knows he can't keep holding this in, and knows that Sokka is safe. Tentatively, barely above a whisper, Zuko's words catch in his throat as he breaks the silence.

"I just... I don't know what I did to make my own family hate me so much."

Sokka sits upright, turning toward him and cradles Zuko's face in his hands, giving him no choice but to look him in the eyes. "Hey. _Hey._ You know that's bullshit. You didn't do a goddamn thing. You're really easy to love if you aren't, y'know, fucking crazy."

Zuko hums softly and places a hand over one of Sokka's. "So you've told me." He rasps. His voice catches again and Zuko silently curses himself for it.

"You did _everything_ you could for both of them." Sokka says, stroking a thumb over Zuko's good cheek. "You tried so many times to give Azula a second, third, or fourteenth chance, and she just kept spitting in your face. Literally, sometimes. You're a good brother. You _know_ that. Those two... they definitely got the sweet end of the deal, being related to you." Sokka takes a breath and considers his next words for a moment before continuing, just barely keeping the venom out of his voice. "If this world made any fucking sense, your dad would be the one waking up screaming. He's just... fucking rotten to his core. It's a wonder you turned out as good as you did."

"Eventually," Zuko mumbles, and Sokka makes a face at him, but lets it go.

"You're a _good_ person, Zuko. You're a good son, a good brother, and a good nephew. You're also a great Fire Lord and a fucking fantastic husband. You deserve to believe all of that." Sokka says, and Zuko tries to ignore the way his eyes still sting at the praise. "I love you."

A warmth builds in his chest and his heart finally, slowly returns to its normal pace even as a tear escapes his good eye. He's safe. Sokka is - his _husband_ is here, and the war has been over for years. Azula and Father can't hurt him anymore. His father... Ozai is beyond saving. But there might be hope for Azula somewhere deep down. He has to hold onto that hope, and he's silently grateful that Sokka seems to understand that, despite how many reasons he has not to.

"I love you, too, dear," Zuko says when he trusts his voice not to break. Sokka wipes the tear away with his thumb and Zuko places a hand on the back of his neck and pulls him into a gentle kiss. "Thank you."

Sokka beams at him with that lovesick look in his eyes that he gets no matter how many times Zuko tells him he loves him. Zuko smiles back and kisses him again. He pulls back and presses their foreheads together as he idly runs his fingers through Sokka's hair. 

"Are you ready to go back to bed?" Sokka yawns.

Zuko nods and gives Sokka one more chaste kiss before moving away so they can both settle under the covers. Zuko snuffs the flame in the lantern and lays on his back, waiting for Sokka to wrap an arm around his torso and lay his head on his chest. He can feel the smile on Sokka's face as he presses it into Zuko's scarred chest.

"I'm so glad I married you," Sokka hums. "You're like a heated blanket."

Zuko chuckles and squeezes Sokka's shoulder and thinks that maybe, now, he finally knows what unconditional love feels like.

**Author's Note:**

> lemme know what you thought! i think i'm liking writing again but i'm still v insecure and i wanna get better.  
> tumblr is @humarl


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